my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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