Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
