seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
