Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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