Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
