the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
