I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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