Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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