Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
