You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
