Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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