I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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