I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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