i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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