you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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