My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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