Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
