You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
