He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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