don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
