Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
lets start a swedish sibling band together
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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