i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
