It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
