made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
