Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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