She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
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