is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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