you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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