Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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