I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
did you just send me my own nude
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
