I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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