I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
and you fell through a lawn chair
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
