so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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