got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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