OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
