I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
