I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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