you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
