i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
