I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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