The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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