I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Randomize
