You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
