Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
