i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
