Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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