Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
