just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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