I wish I could punch you in the face.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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