I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
