I'm passing your future prison.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
